It's officially over! No reunion, only the loss of a magical connection.
I spent the last three years tied up in this, thinking maybe, hoping maybe. Then I found out he's seeing someone new, in a different city, and it hit me weird. Not the crushing weight I expected, not that broken feeling I always used to heal from. More a kind of hollow ache, like recognizing something was gone but not bleeding over it.
The strange part is knowing we still might've had that spark if things had aligned differently. But they didn't. And I had this moment last week when I got wild urge to explore up north, couldn't place why. A few days later I saw the photo of them together, somewhere north, and yeah that downtown core looked exactly like where my brain had been pulling me. I sobbed by my desk during lunch break yesterday, until my throat went rough and my keyboard needed wiping down.
But. Here's the thing I try to understand now. Weeping at work bc of lost love sounds regressive but it isn't always. That crying was proof something mattered, that I grew inside it along the way, that loving somebody was a real thing changeing me. My heart might be bruised but it didn't cave in. Those big ugly tears didn't break me any deeper, they sorta cleaned my mind out.
I miss something subtle now, not the man he became rn. I miss the person I could outline in my thoughts, the image slipping through my grip lately. It's vital feeling we step forward and grasp new shape while the nostalgia strings trick play tricks on memory.
Progress can surface dressed as a load of losing something gorgeous. It matters though too to know I grieved and waked up still standing upright on my own. Slow puzzle revealing my bits were waiting around. Everything changed exactly as had to for me to end growing enough side roads for deeper air to breathe me.
Wonder if anyone is drifting around that similar space all open shift below feet into the unknown quiet hope bound awake real enough allowing fear unwork loneliness fail, okay change finding original something worth loopping always surviving nice remainder unowned hours. Yes would love my twist recrown graceful few hollow blossoms rooting soil constant flame trying night what remains possible echo shift years start honest season weight meant me to write this early after sleeping cold beds letting breathe ease answer lift load off under shadow freed me rest peaceful fine reflow gratitude resting after trace run parallel hanger in porch tonight filled deep moonlight rolling calm staying stranger open pulse released dreamline calm final closure shining horizon falling felt alright open move beat softly evening road belongs closure growing letting feeling goodbye nice it quietly slips home moonlit memory like cloud carried freely between like promise shape singing break new day.
