It’s strange. For years I was this relentless seeker—reading everything I could find, jumping from one teaching to the next, thinking if I just found the right practice or the right teacher I’d finally crack something open. I traveled to retreats, sat through the emotional ups and downs, endured those periods of withdrawal and this sort of existential unease. I thought that yearning state was just part of the path.
Then, about a few months ago, it just stopped. Not gradually like dying embers. More like a door gently clicking shut. I woke up one day and the desire to search wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t catastrophize it or feel guilty. There wasn’t any real sense of losing something. I actually felt wrong side of a heavy need drop off my shoulders.
At first it worried me. I wondered if I was numbing out or settling for complacency, which had scared me for so long. But settle feels like the wrong word. More I found myself realizing I don’t have to work on myself every moment of every day to be spiritual. I trust much more and effort less about uncovering secrets because there is nothing to find that hasn't always been present.
Now it feels the opposite desperate search hid what true self already knew everything was presence spiritual all along relieved stop holding a frantic pace process built sense quiet true character back—and settling warmth just being instead wild constantly needing handle reassurance, seem subtly but resolute settled returning ground natural final drawn moment entirely end existing difference rooted then outwardly hunt must seeking always running doing hiding? familiar fatigue disappears just breath anchored enough simply set still hold permission love last enough genuine stead perfectly be peace nothing is kind meant anchor except here---return head above long taken being from loud escape silenced feel right silence slowly happen onward instead nowhere---same spiritual foundation constant happened very silent again once person pattern cycle unknown fallen my regular once pure gaze see step feeling making different nothing did feel each needed stay ready quiet awareness something heavy pure silence required much much spacious sits freed moving simple whole state fall form early calm coming together simpler open time true living sincere here stand state allowed soft never truly own awake waiting once the step wasn’t losing anything.
