I don't know if I'll even get a reply, most likely not.I have no money, no resources, nothing to give, not even discipline or self control or consistency or patience. All I have is self awareness that I am too much of a dreamy impractical person, who dreams of the impossible even though all these years and life proved otherwise. I am not a genius at all, but I am also too inactive or scared of how the world is so ruthless. I know I can't survive, I am not active and hardworking or anything. have no quality or skills, just dreams. My family spent millions to build me a future, gave me years but all I do is waste no matter what i try. I don't change, never ever succeed anywhere, I still dream hope for miracles knowing damn well they won't come but I still hope and waste already wasted resources.. I think I tried hard work but I failed, manifestation , mantra , maybe not with full discipline or pure rituals but I did. and got nothing, nothing at all. nothing good.
I genuinely believe I can't survive in the world, I am a burden on those who peel their bones to earn for me, even though out there many have extremely hard lives, very hard but they live, win or survive. So far I am a parasite, a self aware one but not someone who doesn't change no matter what, i get distracted, hate doing work, cry, complain, ask for things and do nothing to get them.
So I ask for a solution so that I can do this thing and become a machine. I won't ask for the desired world or me, even though I still hope to. but i want to ask for a way that removes the urges, impulses, distractions, longing for a dream life, hatred and fear for the way life is, a thing that removes it all and at the end only function remains. so i become someone who works without complaining, shares the burden of family, of those who are burning everyday and give them space to breathe and sit. if your solutions are like mediate, or strict diet, or strict rules then no it won't work. I am an absolute loser who is seeing everything burning and would sit and scroll. I am not a person of control or discipline. and i know it might be absurd that things that monks get after practising strictly for ages decades i ask for it just like that, but i don't ask for moksha or anything, not even happiness, if the world i want is impossible then i am unhappy anway, but this way at least those who grew me up by their blood, i'd be able to give them something back..
So is there a way to become one? That I do this thing and become just a functional entity, who works and works and dies a day. I tried many things that didn't seem to work, maybe because I just started and didn't finish(but there are things I tried for years that didn't work), or I am too lazy, or something. So I just want a thing that I can do and become a machine.
So far I have no job, nothing, sitting like a parasite, I don't have the ability or skills to get a job despite my family draining their hard earned money for me to get a better future.. I failed in 11+ exams. Maybe I never studied full heartedly or wasted time, but I am too dumb as well. so please i ask for a way, if you have any wisdom and knowledge maybe something exists for someone like me.
I'd be grateful if I get a reply.and extremely thankful if I somehow get a solution, i am seeking as well..
with the hope that has choked me for ages,
